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Sunday, December 2, 2012

He doesn't quite get it

Dennis Prager: He Wants You

It's a good talk, mostly on the money, and brings out some important points that people, which is to say, women, really do need to understand. Nevertheless, Prager doesn't quite understand what he's talking about --

First off, it's *not* true that "men are programmed by nature to want variety". While, they may be "programmed" by pop culture -- which is just the logical out-working of society's buy-in two or three generations ago to the libertine project -- to "want variety", that "programming" assuredly is not "nature" (*).

Related: it's not really so much that looking at the women around us "turns us on" -- that's a libertine slander against all men -- rather, it's that we find women, and their bodies, and the details of their bodies to be the most beautiful things in the world, quite apart from "being turned on". Most of us, when we look at women -- when we study women -- are not really "lusting in our hearts" (**). Rather, we are admiring, and drinking-in, beauty.

Second, and most importantly -- and the honest truth that almost no one is willing to allow anyone to say out loud, much less to themselves admit -- the reason that women "feel threatened" by their man looking at another woman is because they would "feel threatened" by that woman even if her man was nowhere around. The sad truth is that most women, no matter the ages of their bodies, are still in junior high in their psyches -- which is to say, all women (except those few who are mature) see themselves as being in a never-ending sexual competition with all other women.

Prager correctly says that the woman mistakenly imagines that her man is comparing her to the woman he was/is looking at, and further imagines that he is or will become dissatisfied with her by the comparison. But, Prager totally misses the reason that she incorrectly imagines that the man is comparing/ranking the two women: it's because she is comparing herself to the other woman or women, and judging herself to be lacking rank. The reason that "she is sure that her man will continue to think about these women long after they've disappeared from sight" is because she will continue to think about (and compare herself to) these women long after they've disappeared from sight.

At about the 2:23 mark, Prager says "But here's the point that most women, again understandably, don't know: with very few exceptions, it doesn't matter [that the man may have considered the passing woman to be more attractive than his woman]!" Now, it's true that in most cases it does not matter to the man that he considers the other woman to be objectively more physically attractive than his own woman -- for, after all, if he's a normal man, he's not fantasizing about bedding her; he just wants to enjoy her beauty. But, it's not "understandable" that women don't know this -- they don't know it because they don't want to know it, most of them refuse to know it.

If you’re the male half of the couple, (unless she’s one of the few mature women) she’s all-but-guaranteed to fishingly ask you, “Do you think that woman is prettier than me?” - if she asks this, it’s because she already thinks so, and she’s demanding that you tell her otherwise. My advice is: say the truth (***) - it won’t do you a bit of good, anyway, to say that the other woman is less attractive if she isn’t. In fact, in the long run, it will hurt you.

When a woman is comparing her man against another, whether the comparison is by appearance or social status or wealth, and so on, it’s generally the case that she is already dissatisfied with him, that she has already convinced herself that she “deserves better”. It’s generally the case that she’s comparing him to other men because she “window shopping” - when the man looks at another woman, his woman is likely to fear that he’s comparing her to the other woman, and will be dissatisfied with her, and may leave he because that’s the trajectory she’d already be on if she were comparing him to another man.

Lastly, here's the said truth about all this: most woman will not hear what Prager is saying: "He doesn't want the other woman he chanced to see and look at, he wants you". All but those few woman who are mature don't give a damn about what men, in general, or their man, in particular, wants with respect to women. Well, with respect to anything, really. Prager is talking about a decision, about an act of will on the man's part -- and women, by and large, want to imagine that that men have no say in the matter.

(*) Seriously! Which sex is notorious for whinging to their friends about being "bored" with married life, in general, and specifically with the way their spouse approaches and carries out "loving-making"?

(**) And that is actually Prager's take-home message to women, he just phrases it differently.

(***) You could evade the question, you could refuse to answer it … but you’ll just repeatedly face it again until you teach her that you’re not going to lie when she insists upon asking you that.